The Viking In My Bed by Jan Irving

Jan Irving Has Forsaken Me

This, my friends, is a sad day because on this day I have finished a Jan Irving book and at the end I said "I didn't...I didn't like this book" and then I fell to my knees and wailed the wail of a thousand yowling cats. Yeah, it wasn't pretty.

Where I wonder if these people know what molestation is.
The book started off in classic Jan Irving style with a WTF moment. Bailey, a college student, awakens to find himself blanketed by a large blond viking of a man. And that man, oh, he's not just any man. He's the man who's awakening Bailey by licking and sucking on his armpit. Yummy, yummy sweat in his tummy!!

Yes, yes, I gagged a little too. We were already wading through some unsexy territory, however, I soldiered forward to find that Bailey thinks his friends have pranked him for his birthday by gifting him with a large naked man who liked to role play.

STOP: Since when does someone wake up while being sexually molested when they're supposed to be in a locked house alone and think to themselves "Oh, this must be a party trick!"? Stranger F'ing DANGER!! Rape maybe?! Did Bailey not watch after-school specials on the television?

Where I wonder if someone can really be that stupid.
In any case Bailey is all "Dude, game over, whoever you are."

And the viking says...wait...let me quote directly from the text.

"I am Freyr Grimmson," he said in a language I didn't understand.

Really Bailey? If you don't speak the language or even know what language it is then how do you know what he said? How do you even know his name was a name at all? Freyr Grimmson could mean dog shit for all you know...but again I'm soldiering on.

It so happens that Bailey's best friend Candy then drops by and in the midst of the situation where there is a strange naked man who neither of them knows, Candy decides that no self-respecting viking should go around with unconditioned hair. So, she remedies that but cutting and conditioning Frey's hair and "Mayhap do you want a purple streak, Frey?"

So, there they are giving Frey a cut and style, making him coffee, deciding he must be a viking because he has split ends or some crap like that. Meanwhile I'm calling them idiots and trying to figure out a way to reach into my Kindle and smack the stupid out of them.

Dear Candy and Bailey,

You two don't deserve to breathe fictitious air. I'm just sayin'.

Sincerely,
Laddie

Where I wonder if vikings everywhere will be insulted.
Frey...what can I say about Frey? Frey is a Guardian who, ummm, guards against the eeeeevil eeevil things that live in other dimensions. Every once in a while he gets called forth by a guide so that he can fight. Between the times when he fights Frey sleeps in a kind of limbo land. I won't tell you how but Bailey is Frey's guide and, in addition to laying down his life for Bailey, Frey plans to make Bailey be his woman. Yes,that is actually what Frey says. Yup.

Frey says some other stuff too but I swear the man was two steps away from speaking only in one and two syllable words. One and two syllable words that he apparently bellowed. He was always bellowing. It was like "Frey Smash! GRRR!! Frey make Bailey his WOMAN! GRRRR!!! Frey name is FREY not CONAN!! GRRRR!! Bring Frey Coffee!! GRRR!"

Apparently, Frey was from Norway and if I was from Norway and read this book I would be a bit miffed. Just a bit.

Where I wonder if a plot that makes sense is a thing of the past.
Jan Irving's plots are usually just kind of a filler between the raunchy sex scenes. This time though I think she actually tried to have a real plot. It didn't work. No, it didn't work at all. Here's the reason why; this book was short. It was too short for all of the sex plus a plot that she tried to make intricate or...something. Guardians, guides, possessed and bitter history professors, mystical drawings, creatures from other dimensions, a hawk with a really f'ed up form of bird flu. It was too much and I just gave up caring about it.

Where I tell you again how disappointed I am.
I was REALLY looking forward to this book. I love Irving's crazy imagination and I usually have a lot of fun reading her books. Not so this time. This time I just wanted it to be over and done with.

While I'm not giving up on Irving, I can't recommend this book. I'm going to pretend like my disappointment never happened and wait to see what she comes up with next. Please, please, please let it be cowboys.