Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Bootiful People (aka Booty and Books)

When I was ten I had a brilliant idea. Having already realized that I was a black girl with a severe booty deficiency, I decided to build myself a butt. I put on the tightest (they weren't very tight) jeans I had and stuffed rolled up tee shirts down the back of them. Insta-booty! Yes, it was a little lumpy and a llittle uneven but it was better than nothing. Here's the problem with insta-booty; when you walk it shifts. I mean, within five minutes one ass cheek was sticking out of my waistband and the other ass cheek was down by the back of my knee.

It was a travesty. A sad state of affairs. Alas, I came to terms with my deficiency.

And then a few years ago I started noticing a trend. There was a new type of character popping up in romance novels. The bootiful people. In interracial het romance we get the heroine, a woman of color usually, with the juicy booty. In M/M we get the dude with the bubble butt that hypnotizes all men when they watch it bounce. There's also the dude with the muscle butt that, if you put a pencil in his crack and he flexed his ass cheeks, could snap a pencil in half.

How is an everyday person supposed to live up to these super booties? A booty is hard to build. Take it from someone who's tried.

I can see where the preoccupation with the male posterior comes from in M/M. A big part of anal sex is the tightness of the booty BUT (pardon the pun) the butt doesn't have to be bouncy in order for the umnnn...anal channel to be tight. The tightness of the ass has nothing to do with the junk in the trunk!

Somebody whose trunk is damn near empty can still manage to squeeze a man until he begs for mercy.

I read these books and wonder how anyone who's not ass-tastic is supposed to attract someone. Is the rear end really that important? Apparently, being able to drop it like it's hot is now a requirement for fictional characters.

Where are the characters whose butts are so non-existent that it's like they have invisi-booties? Where are the characters whose pants have trouble staying up because there's nothing there to keep them from falling? Give me a character whose butt is so flat that it's basically just an extension of their back.

Us flat-butted people need love too! So, while I love the bootiful people I would like to say don't forget that the world is made up of lots of people and some of us? Well, we just ain't all that bootiful.


  1. OMG I am LMAO this is hilarious and I'm with you us flat butts need to stick together.

    1. Yes, we do! We are woefully under represented in the romance genre. Lol