Monday, January 30, 2012

A Cowboy In Ravenna by Jan Irving

A Big, Hot, Oily Mess of Absurdilicious Crazed Insanity!

This book made me laugh so hard that I WTF-ity fuckin' CRIED!
Tears, real tears, running down my face as I was hunched over laughing my ever-loving butt off while texting friends to tell them that I could not BELIEVE what I was reading.

Every sentence of this book dropped me further and further down the rabbit hole. And, with my twisted love for this completely cracked out series, I loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!

I thought that after book five, A Plain, Ordinary Cowboy, I would be able to deal with whatever Jan Irving could dish out. I was wrong, and like this book, I was wrong on so many levels.

Jan Irving is just trying to kill me with this series now. She's trying to kill me dead.

A Cowboy In Ravenna is about Trin, 39 years old, and Chace who's 19. Trin is the foreman at Chace's ranch and a shifter who lost his son to rogue wolves eleven years ago. He's also Chace's mate but he thinks he's too old and too much of a monster for the virginal, delicate artist Chace.

Chace has brou-ha-ha with his cold and unloving father when Chace decides to go to Italy to see the art and lose his virginity. When Chace tells Trin his plans, even though Trin is all "I'm not good enough for him", Trin announces that he's going with Chace.

And oh, oh, oh my friends this is where things got craaaaaazy.

First let's talk about the sexual euphemisms in this book.

The Dreaded Dimple And The Forbidden Fruit
Alot happens in Trin and Chace's first sexual encounter but the first thing that made me laugh? When Chace is naked, draped over Trin's lap and ...

"Trin slid his fingers down the invitation of Chace's open body, stroked his dimple."

...it actually took me a minute and I read that sentence multiple times. The dimple? Oh, that's his asshole in case ya didn't know. But wait...just. Wait.

Soon after that?

"Chace pictured himself hanging, his balls luscious grapes that Trin was eating like dessert."

Why? Whhhyyyyy??!!! Why must thou ruin grapes for me so that I can never eat them again in this life or the next??

And FYI; if I was a guy I would never want to envision someone eating my balls. Rocky Mountain Oysters anyone? This is not the X-factor. No one's getting a million dollars if they nosh on some balls.

Oh, but....

Trin's thick root was free, as big as a tree branch, distended and pulsing."

Maybe it's just me but a huge, swollen, distended penis...that sounds like STD City to me. Like maybe Trin needed some prescription ointment or something.

By the way, that first scene ends in the most fabulously ridiculous way. Chace puts Trin's cock in his mouth, not to suck it but simply to fall asleep with it in his mouth. It's not a pacifier, Chace. It's a cock, a big tree branch of a cock that just might choke you while you sleep. Careful there, buddy.


They won't buy the cow if they get the milk for free
What I'm about to explain to you is by far the most mind-blowing aspect of this book. Jan Irving took this next scene and poured crazy-sauce alllll over it.

Trin discovers that he likes to suck Chace off. Somehow this turns into Chace talking about how he saw some porn of a guy with his junk hooked up to an electrical apparatus. Okay, electrical play, okay.

This is where the scene takes a turn for the worse...or the best depending on how you look at it.

Chace and Trin begin to discuss, during the blow job, about how Trin wants to milk Chace by attaching his balls to a cow milking machine.

This starts very, veeeeery un-sexy talk like sucking on Chace's balls to "build up his cream" and "I'll drink all your cream" and "You could spank me if I didn't produce enough cream".

And thank you Jan Irving for ruining all milk products for me for the rest of my natural existence!!!!

Then Irving kicked it up 520,000,000 notches when Trin tells Chace that he wants to chain him up in a cellar under his cabin and hook Chace's balls up to milking machine, and this is all discussed while Trin gives Chace a blowjob and fucks him with one of his sharp-as-shit shifter claws.

Yes, there was a claw in the virgin's butthole!!

By this time I'm gasping for breath, laughing, crying, rolling around and going "OMG, OMG sooooooo funny!"

There is also a scene where Trin is sucking Chace off for the katrillionth time and the words "when he'd milked his pony for as long as he could..." are used.

Is sex while in partially shifted wolf form not uncomfortably close enough to animal sex? We have to throw ponies in there?

The Shadow Shifter
Remember when I said that I wanted to find out what a shadow shifter is? Well, I found out.

Guess how tall a shadow shifter is. No, guess. I don't even know what number you chose but I'm pretty sure you're wrong, so I'll tell you.

20 feet tall. Twenty. Oh, and shadow shifters...they have T-Rex teeth.

By this point in the story I was done for. I broke something, I laughed so hard. I'm still laughing. Actually, laughing is too tame a word for what I'm doing right now.

I gave this book three stars but I wanted to give it five because I was so stunned that I don't even know if this story had a plot. The craziness that is book smacked me and made me its prison bitch.

Gimme the next book, please.

2 comments:

  1. OMG!!! You have me laughing so hard right now. Hope no one walks in on me. They will think I've lost my mind. Thanks for the very funny and most informative review. Now I must go finish my glass of milk :)

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  2. Holy crap, Laddie! ROTFLOL!!!

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