Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The SEAL In My Attic by Jan Irving
The WTF-iest WTF of all the WTFs. Just...WTF?!
We all know that the idea for my "Crack Attack" shelf on Goodreads was born of my addiction to Jan Irving's books. We know that. What I didn't know was just how powerless I am in the face of the phenomenon that is Jan Irving's body of work. My last conversation with you all about Jan Irving's books went something like this:
Me: Two disappointments in a row! I am done until I see a good review!
You: Yeah. Okay. *full of sarcasm and doubt*
Me: That's right. Done. You need me to spell that shit? *righteous indignation*
You: *blink blink...doubt...blink*
Me: You'll see!
And apparently you do see. You see me writing the first review for this book. Laugh and I will death glare you to death.
In any case...this book.
Murph is a doctor who's just had the day from doctor Hell. A patient died and he's been forced to go on sabbatical. He arrives home to find that there's food and coffee on his table that he didn't leave there. There's blood and a bloody cloth on his floor.
A rational and smart person would do this: Back out of the house while calling the police on their cell phone.
Murph does this: "Oh, screw this," he says and moves further into the house to see who broke into his place.
STOP! Murph, when they forced you to go on vacation at work did you decide to spend that week on Dumbass Island where everyone's favorite pastime is running with scissors?
But, alas, Murph finds a wallet that identifies his intruder as Caleb Black. Caleb is a Navy SEAL that Murph had a brief affair with a year ago and who he hasn't heard from since. So, Murph finds Caleb bloody and bruised in the attic. Caleb doesn't remember who he is and only vaguely remembers Murph. While cleaning Caleb up they hear someone break in downstairs. Caleb tells Murph to stay put and then disappears.
A rational and smart person would do this: Call the police!
Murph does this: Runs outside barefoot to see where Caleb went.
At least PUT ON SOME SHOES, DAMMIT!! @$#%@!&!!! Agghhhh! Oh, and he proceeds to get almost killed while getting kicked in the ribs and face. You know what? Who gave this man a MD? Who? I want to smack them in the face right now.
Caleb after that decides that they need to book it and NOT call the police. Turns out that something has happened to Caleb but he can't remember what. The key to whatever happened might be in a locker at a bus depot though, so off to the bus depot they go.
It's the middle of the night at a deserted, abandoned bus depot in the middle of nowhere. Caleb tells Murph to follow him but then disappears. What happens next is just...I don't even know.
Enter creepy, whistling, milky eyed dirty mutant man. He's calling Murph a little birdy and talking about ripping Murph's head off.
This would be a good time to call the police. Yeah, Caleb said not to but Caleb's not being called a birdy whose head is about to be ripped off. So let's say "fuck you, Caleb" while we dial 9-1-1 shall we?
Things happen though and Caleb end up snapping mutant guy's neck and then...
Rational and smart people would do this: RUN!!
Murph and Caleb do this: Caleb gives Murph a hand job on the ground next to the mutant man's dead body.
*blink blink* ONE step away from NECROPHILIA. Because nothing reminds you that you're alive like an orgasm next to a dead body.
This is not the last time that the brain trust that is Caleb and Murph have sex at a completely, ridiculously inappropriate time. Late in the story they break into a super secret government testing facility that's a bad and dangerous place. They hear suspicious sounds in the place that's supposed to be abandoned.
Rational and smart people would do this: Investigate maybe because I've given up on them being smart enough to go for help.
Murph and Caleb do this: First Murph takes a shower and ends up having sex with Caleb in the shower. Then they indulge in some medical kink and have sex on one of the operating tables.
Oh, but wait, maybe they thought it was okay because Caleb locked the door. Psychotic killers totally respect locked doors. I think they knock and everything.
The book just gets ridiculous from there and by the end I wanted to punch both men dead in the face.
At this point I'm not even going to say that I won't read the next one. I'm done trying to fight this. If every author figured out what it is about Jan Irving's books that makes me snap them up as soon as they're released...well, I would go broke. So, so broke.